Millions of people around the world celebrate this fortunate holiday with complete zeal and merriment. Want to share your own Christmas funny quotes? O’Rourke, “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You’re most welcome! Christmas (Noun) The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? }(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk')); Top 40 Amazing Christmas Gifts For Staff Members, Iconic Christmas Movie Quotes and Lines (40+), Top Christmas Quotes and Sayings with Images (100 Christmas Quotes), Business Christmas Messages and Greetings, Top Christmas Decorations You Can Make And Sell, Christmas Invitation Template And Wording Ideas, Best Personalized Couple Christmas Gift Ideas, Best Christmas Gift Idea for Teens and Tweens, Cool Christmas Gifts For Teenage Girls on Amazon, 24 BEST GOLD DECORATION IDEAS IN CHRISTMAS WEDDING, “At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.” – Thomas Tusser, “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown, “Christmas shopping. Well ... nothing, really. Below is a list of 65 Cool Funny Christmas Sayings | Short funny Christmas Sayings to keep you Laughing until the new year. Browse them and enjoy! Here are some good ones. It's like "What do you want this year?" Millions of people around the world celebrate this fortunate holiday with complete zeal and merriment. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”– Samantha Bee, “Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” -Harry in Love Actually, “Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty and it was worth it!”. So this Christmas, let’s make the holiday more fun with these funny Christmas quotes sayings. Feel the holiday cheer with these funny Christmas quotes and sayings. So, here we go! What do you call a kid who won’t sit on Santa’s lap? No one likes a half-assed jingler. Let’s be honest – many of the holiday’s traditions are ridiculous when you stop and think about them. We also include some funny Christmas jokes and sayings that you can share to your friends to spread the good vibe and good cheer. The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but sometimes, it may not feel that way. We hope that you enjoy our list of humorous Christmas quotes and Christmas Messages. “There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd, “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”  – Bernard Manning, “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis, “I love Christmas. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening, “Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” ~ Tom Armstrong, “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. What I CAN offer, though, are some pretty hilarious, funny Christmas quotes and holiday memes that can help you lighten the mood this year. Start with less attitude. I woke up in a box. Warning: Some of the humor here is on the raunchy side and may not be appropriate for your Aunt Betty. It's all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list. Plus, the funny Christmas sayings could help you with gift ideas as you could get them printed on mugs, stockings or underwear — because we all know we're not alone in this grinchy-spirit. I woke up in a box. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if it runs out I'll drink the red. Also, if you want to make your Christmas cards a little more memorable this year, adding one of these sassy Christmas quotes could do the trick. It’s joyful and triumphant.” – The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas). Dear Santa, please refer to my Pinterest boards. Avoid drinking too much at the office Christmas party by drinking too much before the office Christmas party. Funny Holiday Famous Holiday Jewish Funny Monday Holiday Inspirational Thanksgiving Boss Work Holiday Hilarious Christmas Funny Christmas Card Humorous Christmas Friendship Dear Santa,[ ] I've been good this year[ ] OK, most of the time[ ] Once in a while[X] OK fine. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie, “Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. From the sweetest, Christmas cookies WILL go right to my butt, 40 Funny Christmas Quotes And Memes To Get You Through The Holiday Season, 'Tis The Season For Love: 12 Christmas Quotes To Keep You Merry, 10 Christmas Songs That Are Actually Creepy As Hell, 7 Gifts Your Brand New Man Will LOVE! They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” ~ Jay Leno, “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” ~ Anonymous, “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? (function(d, s, id) { Related Topics. “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” ~ Jay Leno. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. Christmas is one of the most festive and jolly holidays. And call off Christmas!” – Sheriff George of Nottingham, “Christmas shopping. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. Does that count? They’re guaranteed to make the people on your Christmas card list just a bit more jolly this holiday season. Does that make me a candy cane? The Best Funny Christmas Quotes And Memes To Brighten Any Grinch's Holiday. May you be surrounded by ho’s this Christmas season. Dear Santa, I was really good at being really naughty. “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Author Unknown, “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Author Unknown, “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres, “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz, “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown, “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz, “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” – Author Unknown, “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White, “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White, “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry, “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. The 10 Most Romantic Christmas Songs Of ALL TIME. You want funny Christmas card wording? © 2020 by Tango Media Corporation All Rights Reserved. A nap would be nice. I’m probably not alone on this one when saying that Christmas time nowadays is stressful and irritating. Jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. No more merciful beheadings. The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Christmas is known for being the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s also quite possibly the most hilarious. I got fat. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. Christmas is so much worse as you get older. On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you ... nothing because you're single. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. yourself) ... look no further! That would be more helpful than presents. Probably will get the same thing this year. Santa saw your Instagram pictures. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman, “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” ~ Erma Bombeck, “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers, “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” ~ Anonymous, “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. To help you out, here’s a collection of 25 funny Christmas card sayings, with a mixture of the well-known, the obscure, and the totally original. (And 7 Awkward Ones To Avoid), Snuggle Playlist! “The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.”– Olivia Haigh Williams, “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” ~Hamilton Wright Mabi, Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale, “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke, “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.